just, some thoughts

2012-01-16T08:48:00.001-08:00

Finally everything has been confirmed
clarity
Tis a good life :)

2011-12-23T19:23:00.000-08:00

2 year plan
-2012= 1st year Arts/Law, 16th Street Parttime, work
-2013=2nd year Arts/Law, 16th Street Parttime, work, travel world, audition for drama schools

2011-11-29T22:41:00.000-08:00

BUCKET LIST 2/ NEXT 3 YEAR PLAN

-Egypt, Israel, Greece, Italy, Germany, Spain, Denmark

-Russia

-Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam

-Learn Tagalog

-Arts/Law plus acting at 16th street/howard fine, film and tv course at VCA

-Books, film, theatre

-Sky Dive

I HAVE THE MOST BEAUTFUL BOY, FAMILY AND FRIENDS XXX I LOVE YOU GUYS

2011-10-31T05:58:00.000-07:00

BUCKET LIST

-Go to Africa, All of South East Asia, Brazil, Russia within the next 5 years

-Go to EVERYWHERE in the world

-Live in New York

-Go trick-or-treating in America during Halloween

-Work my ass off to get rich but NEVER LIVE OSTENTATIOUSLY, live with only the essentials and always remember my roots

-Speak fluent Tagalog

2011-09-04T18:19:00.000-07:00

NIDA Bachelor of Dramatic Art

Arts (Majoring in Archaeology or Visual Arts)/ Law at Monash

Next year is going to be fab!!

Now this year

I want a motherfucking awesome showreel= Canon 5D
I want to go to Thailand
I want a sick car

2011-08-10T05:17:00.001-07:00

soooo
NIDA Bachelor of dramatic Art

or

Law? Arts/Law? Psych? or Fine arts?

Either way Im going to uni next year yay :)

Now hmmmmmm?

2011-08-03T23:33:00.000-07:00

Made the pancakes yesterday....
Right now all I want to do is shop, try on fahionable beautiful clothes, do my makeup and hair and go out.
I also want to eat something delicously sweet but not sickening.
I also want to get back into my awesome fitness regime I had a couple of weeks ago... do a 5km run and personal training.
I also want a fatter savings account.
I also want my jawline back, and to be skinny in a bikini on some tropical island eating a buffet breakfast, soaking up the sun, be blacky chan and just be with my boyfriend.

Ahhhhh

2011-08-02T15:37:00.001-07:00

Ok after class the other day which was great...

NIDA BACHELOR OF DRAMATIC ART which I will keep trying for... even if its not until I'm 23 (average age of acceptance) till i get in

or

Bachelor of Psychology (with honours) Monash
Bachelor of Fine Arts (Visual) at VCA... RMIT? Monash....
+ The Actor (NIDA), 16th street classes AND ALL THE ACTING WORK I HAVE DONE THIS YEAR AND MORE

Feeling much better with more clarity, and the knowledge that I will be busy and working and feeling good and acheiving next year. :)

Now.... I really want pancakes :)

2011-07-28T19:29:00.001-07:00

Bachelor of Dramatic Art NIDA

or

Bachelor of Performing Arts Monash, 16th Street Classes- 16th Street Parttime

maybe...

Bachelor of Fine Arts (Visual Art) at VCA
Bachelor of Fine Arts RMIT
Bachelor of Fine Arts Monash
Bachelor of Arts Psychology Monash
Bachelor of Arts Psychology Melb Uni...

-all doing acting classes at 16th street parttime

Bachelor of Fine Arts (Theatre) at VCA?

hmmmm

2011-07-05T05:21:00.001-07:00

For once I am actually feeling honestly really good and inspired and better.
I can do this.
And I there really isn't a need for everything I want done by September needed to be done... why not keep it up?
On the otherhand it takes hard work now, and then when the time comes I can relax a little more, enjoy the results, holiday in bali or some tropical paradise and indulge in moderation :)
For now- earn money, get fit, fall in love with acting and learn! I am getting fit for myself not necessarily acting-
And whatever the end result, next year
NIDA Bachelor of Dramatic Art
RMIT Journallism
16th street parttime? Melbourne Actors Lab?
New agent
:)

2011-06-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

It’s becoming more prevalent.
Everything I see, keeps reminding me of the depressing bourgeois lifestyle that is so easy to fall into, and that majority of society lives. Not all, but majority.
I see this lifestyle choice of ‘safety’ in my mum. A job attained through a university degree, that pays well and pays the bills. From there work 9-5, 5 days a week- everynow and then indulging in food. Escaping via holidays and travelling. Escaping via television- envying the character’s lives, or the actor’s life or the actors body.
Constantly looking at others, on facebook, in magazines- calling this “rest and relax time, off work”. Having a day job that is inadequate and spending the remains of the day admiring others whose lives are fulfilling. Creating a distinction between time for reality and romanticism.
It is a life easy to fall into, and my biggest fear. I do not want to spend 40 years of my life doing this...And chasing a life that isn’t this- is bloody hard and precarious. The life I want requires incredible self drive, there is no specific path that I can follow along with others, and if I work hard whilst on that path be guaranteed a result at the end.
It requires being successful in aspects of: marketing, networking/socialising, being the best ‘product’ externally (physical) and internally (talent, and amazing craft).
It has taken be six months to really articulate this. And the pressure of the stakes and time is overwhelming.
Anything worth having is hard to get right?

2011-06-21T01:57:00.001-07:00

It's been a while....
So you're gone. And I miss you. And I miss you as an excuse.
It's hit me harder than what I expected for various reasons.
So much time.... so many things I could be doing right now
-excercising
-reading
-nida homework
-reveiw literature everynight
-homework for auditions

And you gone has highlighted the bad habits I have developed....
I need to get off my ass. PUSH MYSELF.
Stop longing for your presence and the easiness... it will make it so much better when you come back.
I need to stop procrastinating. Complaining and being in my head.
Be the proactive self I know I am..

Also have come to realisation- need to stop feeling like I am underacknoledged. Be proud of who I am and that is enough. I don't need to prove myself to anyone - except me.

2 months and a week.

2011-04-01T02:11:00.000-07:00

So fucking provoking. Push me to the limits. Asking me to hit you. You're not worth it. Of course. Turn the tables around, make me feel guilty. Hurtful words, you asked for it. I am the bigger person. I fucking deserve more than what you give. Sick of being surrounded my spoilt bitches who get everything and hardly work for it. And get nothing and work my ass off. Not only do I get nothing but I get constant shit to put up with. Stop fucking feeling sorry for yourself. I am not like you. The lack of empathy is fucked up. The way you communicate is fucked up. The way you start the situation, ignite it and then turn it around like you're the victim happens too often. Im tired of it.

On track

2011-03-27T03:55:00.000-07:00

Okay so a month and two days of being 18. March... Progress- Bikram Yoga and Dance regularly, riding and running (without stopping haha) Website up and running Received Headshots Busking Starnow, showcast and at2 account Youtube account with one upload Two unpaid modelling shoots Money track Checked out JUG cafe Goals for the next four weeks- April Excercise/healthy eating strictly = have eased into it, now need to push myself Deposit min $720 High resolution Headshots Finish stanislavski toolkit Get Art history books, read other novels Reveiw literature everynight SHOWREEL MADE!!!!!!! 'Friday' upload, Pricetag, Own song, and collaboration vid JUG open mic night + busking Upcoming projects: Send Feature film audition Send viral video audition Vic roads safety ad Now it is time to be full on like lastyear! But harder!! :)

2011-03-21T02:00:00.001-07:00

So apart from feeling post rage machine (with still some lasting effects of agitation) due to a stupid argument with the mother in which involved her cracking it at me because my room is "dusty"- me replying its because she chooeses to exclude my room from being mopped, her saying my room is always so messy with clothes on the floor, me rebutting not always in fact i just did a full clean out of my room AND the laundry and how some people older than me have there room swept and mopped by cleaners so she shouldnt complain, then to top it all off Dad fucking gets involved and tells me to "stop talking like that. You don't have the right to be angry because she is your mother" and pretty much just telling me to fucking shutup- which doesnt help when mum won't shutup herself and continuing to me.
Its actually quite fucking annoying just reflecting on it. I hate how I get told off for being angry despite my legit reasons. And sometimes I really hate how my family is so fucking strict, how they don't realise that they are lucky to have a daughter like me, how people around me are so fucking spoilt by their parents and they don't do shit or work hard at all.
And what fucking pisses me off is that I am an 18- an adult. Yet they don't respect that.
Not only don't I get financial rewards but I don't get fucking freedom - not a reward BUT SOMETHING I SHOULD BE FUCKING ENTITLED TO.

FUCK HERE IT GOES I AM FUCKING JEALOUS OF SOME PEOPLE.
Yes I know my parents work hard, but could they have worked harder? In comparison to others. I guess they are pretty well off in comparison to where they came from but I just fucking wish sometimes.... Like fuck I know I am lucky and I do have it good but its times like these when its like - shit parents- no respect, no freedom and not even fucking financial rewards.

Like motherfucker they expect me to have all this responsibility and maturity yet they don't treat me like I do. Fucking hell!!!!!

2011-03-02T20:13:00.000-08:00

3rd of the 3rd month this year.
I have a slight on and off cold thats lasted for about 3 weeks. Too many late nights, unhealthy eating, drinking, and deprivation of fresh air.
One more week of being lazy and relaxing, and getting better.
I HAVE to get my head back into the game, work twice as hard as I did last year.

"You have a year off of uni and school, fucking use it"

-I need to update resume
-I need to get a website
-I need to sign up to at2 and showcast
-I need to make youtube and get it running
-I need to go to the cafe in aspendale, and other local cafes for GIGS
-I need to make a showreel
-I need to sign up to unpaid work website
-I need to start running and yoga again
-I need to start dance classes
-I need to go to theatre regulary, and films
-I need to be driving
-I need to find my love for novels and rich texts again

Once this cold is over- I need to stop watching people and be the proactive person I am.
Now no excuses.

I am not going to let myself get to a point where I am watching everyone else around me moving forward whilst im this couch potato doing nothing. I hate feeling lazy. And I'm scared of turning out like some loser. Whilst everyone else is off getting their degrees, or has one.

And wow. I am so in love with you. I could marry you and have your babies.
I am so scared of the pain I would feel if anything ever happened....

I feel it already. It seems like my whole world is revolved around you, and I've stopped still. Right now your doing things you have to do, that you want to do. And I'm lying in bed thinking about you.
I need to take care of myself also.
You can relax, you have a degree. But I need to get moving.
I need structure.

I need to love myself, to feel good about loving you.

And you going away will kill me. But it is needed, I need to work hard this year- especially during winter.

ps- im 18 now. Real world. Its marked a transition, and I guess this epiphany. Being 17 was amazing, I had an incredible year and proved it was possible. But now its time to stop living in the acheivements and beautiful past and make this year even fucking better than lastyear.
Also 2011- "shape your life 24/7"

2011-01-08T00:13:00.001-08:00

2010- "its DID happen"
2011- yet to decide......

lastyear was an incredible rollercoaster. so many highlights.
NOW
I
NEED TO STOP PROCRASTINATING!!

2010-12-12T12:06:00.000-08:00

:D :D :D :D :D

Hard work does pay off
*massive sigh of relief*

2010-12-07T02:45:00.001-08:00

Next week

2010-11-30T04:18:00.000-08:00

I hope you are okay.
Thankyou so much.

2010-11-26T07:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes its really hard not too judge.

Drink. Dress. Impress. Every Weekend. Photos for proof. Social contacts.
Cycle repeats next week, clothes change according to fashion.
Everything handed to you on a silver platter and its kind of funny, and sad.

2010-11-22T03:43:00.000-08:00

Parasites.
Sick of flowery orthography and unnecessary over complementing.

2010-11-17T19:20:00.000-08:00

Ya completely disregard my last 3 blogs. Note to self for future reference- do not blog when crying/angry= melodramatic
My life is absolutely perfect :)
I am so lucky.
And I love you

2010-11-14T17:44:00.001-08:00

Ok so its not that bad. Mum means well she is beautiful. But Dad can still be a major dick sometimes.
I guess Im sickish that adds to the whole crap feeling but I'm fine.
Wish I didn't have to learn all these monologues though ahh its like I'm not actually free yet- I don't have that feeling of not having anything to do and Im ever so jealous of people who do have that feeling!
You know when you're in those insecure/sillyish moods where everything that you've suppressed in the past 6 months just comes out. nyeah thats what happened on the weekend I guess. Yesterday was the first time I've cried all year.
I'm resisting the urge to delete my other slightly embarassing posts...

2010-11-13T14:47:00.000-08:00

My parents make me feel guilty everytime I go out.
They SOMETIMES
get angry at me.
think I dress skimpy.
They think I spend my money excessively.
They think I am selfish, that I don't care about anyone.
They think I am self centered.
They think I am spoilt.
They think I have attitude problems.
They don't like the way I talk.
They crack the shits if I have a song on repeat.
They yell at me when I start singing and playing guitar... too loud I guess.
They think I am an attention seeker.
Constant criticism. Little recognition.
I do not have the luxury of going home and having a pleasant conversation, or a conversation where they ask how things are going and genuinely want to know.
You may think I've got it lucky with their financial support, with their ostentatious gifts. But I've always paid and worked for my things ever since I was fourteen.
I think other people have got it lucky with being appreciated, being proud of.
I would rather catch two trains, and walk in the dark then ask for them to drive me.
We are the silent family at a restaurant who stares off into space in all different directions eating, no speaking.

My dad is a fucking dickhead. Its hard to tell sometimes who is the teenager out of us. I'm scared that I am like him. If it is the last thing I do it is to turn out like him.

They compare me to my other friends.

I compare them to my friends' parents.

2010-11-13T08:19:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it is enough.
I can pretend that is, and wait for it to be but I shouldn't even be waiting in the first place. I shouldn't even be writing this or negotiating in my head.
You treat me well, you're such a good person.
But I want someone who notices the little things. Who is mesmerized by me, for who I am. Who continuously wants to know more about me, who doesn't settle for less. Who thinks about me as much as I do them. I shouldn't have to work for it, and time shouldn't have to be a way to change things.
Someone who was sure after the first time of talking to me.
I've had doubts, perhaps I've let them go too easily and tried to work through it.

All this yapping and zero action

2010-11-12T22:41:00.000-08:00

Really bugs me when people are all talk.
All this saying and planning but then they never do it in the end :S Instead they say it will happen later on down the track, but when the time actually comes they say the same thing again.
They think that things will happen instantly. They don't grasp the concept that it requires continuous hardwork and persistance every single day.
You need to plan it out. And from the start of the plan to middle to the final point you need to work hard and sacrifice. The idea of "putting to much pressure on yourself" is bull. Its called being realistic if you want to succeed. If you're ambitious you have to fucking work hard, and not just begin to buckle when it starts getting tough.
And when nothing happens after about a week, two weeks or a couple of months they get dissapointed and prolong their goals even more.
And then it becomes this neverending cycle :S

It also bugs me when people bag mainstream stuff. How people are always constantly striving to be different (or the same)- rather than just being themselves. How they criticise what is common/"gay" or prevent themselves from doing things even though they like it because it is common. How people can be so self assured and not listen to others. How people criticise tv shows, music or other things just because other people- "proffessionals" so to speak have, so it in a way to sort of alligns themselves with them. A superiority complex. When really they didn't share that mentality before.

FUCKINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-11-09T20:23:00.000-08:00

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CANNOT WAIT TO ACTUALLY START LIVING LIFE NOW!!!
THERE IS NOTHING MORE THAT I CAN DO NOW.....im done.... OFFICIALLY!!!!!!

I worked my fucking ass off this year. And Im proud. I couldve done more in some areas but I am only human and I do need my breaks.

Fingers crossed that it is enough in the end!!!

NOW TIME TO DO EVERYTHING THAT I COULDNT DO THIS YEAR!!!!!! AND YAYYAYAYAYA FOR SUMMMER!!!

-retail therapy!

-redo my room!

-busking!

-youtubing!

-eating healthy and doing excersise everyday!

-Beach!

NO MORE EXCUSE OF SCHOOL!

TIME TO FINALLY START LIVING!!!!

Be a motherfucking working actress!!!

:D :D :D :D

SOOO MANY THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO!

And I can already say that this year is the best year of my life so far! I've learned so much (literally) and in terms of how strong I am, what I am capable of. I've been insecure about my age, I've learned a lot about people, how common mental illness is, how every family has problems, how there are sooo many different types of people out there living here just in melbourne and there are soo many pathways and fucking opportunities to take!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

And wow I have to say I lasted year 12 without one crying breakdown! There was one week when I felt crap but I didnt actually cry! NOT ONCE :D

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I LOVE LIFE

2010-10-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

drama was today, and I did my best :)
Hopefully it is enough in the end.

English and the pretty much all exams in two daysssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!

And I've decided that 16th street is my no.1 preference for next year, cannot wait!
And cannot wait till I turn 18- it will be epic!

Life is soooooo exciting ! :D

Need to study!

2010-10-20T05:37:00.001-07:00

So two posts in one day but its needed so I can fall asleep.

Just officially graduated!
No longer a Kilbreda Student!

In a much better mood than I was in before.
I have the most amazing family and friends- I love them all.

I feeel really weird, and it hasn't quite sunken in yet.

All I can say is I love life :D!

xxxxxxxxx

2010-10-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

So graduation tonight and muck up day today.

And I haven't cried at all and I don't think I'll do. If I do- it may be for different reasons.

I'm sad at the thought of things being my "last".
But I can't wait to fucking start afresh. To not have school as an excuse for doing something.
Finally be respected and not seen as some naive kid who lives in their own bubble, who is unaware of the WORLD that lives out there. To break free from everything that has held me back in this place.

I know I'm in a bit of a mood now.
I feel guilty/nostalgic/regrettful/angry.

Life sometimes is unfair.
Work your ass off, work harder than others... and it. still. isn't. enough.

*Sigh*
I have to rise above this! And rather than being a cynic work even harder and do my own sense of self proud.

I love you, but it fucking sucks to live in your shadow.

2010-10-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

You have no idea

Or you do.

Drama solos tonight.....motherfucker!

2010-10-09T22:47:00.001-07:00

At this rate looks like I'm gunna be a school burnout

I know when the time comes I will knuckle down....
Although it is kind of the time... I just hope when I actually do it won't be too late.

I've never been like this before.
I've pushed myself so hard this year.
Now I'm on the 'home run' and I'm tired.

Other things are becoming more significant

But I know summer will be that little bit more sweeter if I get my act together

Hmmm what you say is true and I appreciate you for that. But it hurts a little that you aren't sure and can't say it after all this time, after knowing every side of me.

2010-10-04T01:27:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely in love with this weather! :)
Such a good mood. Going to keep healthy, and a balance between hard work and time efficiency for the next couple of weeks..... shyza.
And I have to stop talking about it and thinking it and worrying about it, and instead actually do it.
I know what I have to do, and that I am enough.

I HAVE TO JUST DO IT!!

I'm not going to be one of those people who say I haven't done anything, because I've done some work. I've just been taking a very relaxed approach about it.... up until NOW!

Goodbye lazyish procrastinator alison! Time to get my game on!

2010-09-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

Gunna take you for a ride on a big jet plane hey hey

So wayyy behind study plan. And not that stressed about it. For the first time ever I am not the productive using time effectively person I usually am... which probably isn't a good thing as this is the time when I really should be. I think it may be because I have all this time on my hands? I need to keep busy and doo more things so I feel more under pressure. Which I can't even do as I'm sickkish and all I want to do is sleep and watch tv.........

I actually love doing studio homework though. ( R.S. Beal Biomorphic- BETA X1)

I really want to redo my room for the gazillionth time. But fully. Like get a low double modern bed, and wall of white shelves filled with music, novels, art books and photos. Sell all my current furniture. I want a massive painting in my room that everytime I look at makes my eyes water and makes me really feel something.

Now all I need is $$$$$.
Cos I'm kinda broke. AGAIN. Last shift this week to last me till december...... :/

yep.

Ahhhhhh you know when you really want to see someone? And hug them? But you just can't.

Hello Mr. Please to meet ya.

xxx

......HERE WE GO!

2010-09-20T06:26:00.000-07:00

study plan set

.........eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

2010-09-13T06:13:00.000-07:00

CRAZYYYYYY BUSSYYY!!!!
SOOO MUCH TO DOOO!
Will wake up early as tmro morn to finish stuff off!

CANNOT TILL WED NIGHT! :D

and I want to see youu noww
xxx

2010-09-09T00:02:00.000-07:00

Hectic as day!
But now for some slight "chill" time. Guna clean my room, listen to some good music, and organize my life for this week! And bear in mind for things in the long run.
Can't wait till next wedensday this time- pretty much all sacs and finals/folio handed in! Goodbye!
.... and then we're in it. The massive whirl of pressure. No turning back now. Fuck.

oooohshooooooopowweeeeeeeeee

2010-09-03T16:50:00.000-07:00

2010-09-03T05:18:00.000-07:00

ohhhh lordeh

Just applied to options for next year. Took so fricken long. Sooo much to do.

Green Apple slices + crunchy peanut butter
Bite of a Banana + bite of a boost choc bar
Moby- "porcelain" on repeat
All Saints- "pure shores" on repeat

(y)

2010-08-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

You are soooo wonderful! :)

New week

2010-08-22T02:22:00.001-07:00

Fanfucking tastic!

Finished "Why Me?" shoot at 4.30 am lastnight, one of the funnest jobs ever!
Such a chilled Sunday. (you really learn to appreciate moments of sleeping in, relaxing and sitting down to watch 30 mins of tv news, when you're busy all the time). Beautiful sunny spring like weather, being outdoors, walking alongside the biketrack lake.
I am so lucky to be surrounded by my loved ones who are always there for support :)

Cleaned my room. Feeling fresh and ready to acheive my other goals!
hells yeahhh!
xx

2010-08-19T01:40:00.000-07:00

Better
Talking is good
Now you know this other side of me

I like that your genuine
But I'm craving romance
Sweep me off my feet
Get on your knees
Tell me what I mean to you

Do it naturally, because you want to, not because I spoke first

Honesty is good, but it hurts to hear about others
The only one on your mind

Thats how it should be.

I care for you.

But I don't want to wait anymore

2010-08-17T06:24:00.000-07:00

hmmm
um

so, today was the day that I decided as the ultimatum. I've given time, chances, and I've tried. I can't say that I'm dissapointed as I never really did have high expectations, but deep down inside I was kind of hoping I'd be surprised.

So maybe I am judgemental, hard to please and impress. I tend to test, but only to figure things out, and sure it hurt a little but it shed some light.
"Men want women to deceive them because it'l prove their worst thoughts about women" Cosi, Nowra.
Maybe? However I wanted to prove my best thoughts.

If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right hey?

By focusing on the positive memories, perception can be obscured. And I can't say that I was ever blinded by "love", as because if it ever was there it never was said.

I'm tired of the games. And I'm not sure if it's worth what people say.

I understand. But I won't let sympathy get in the way. I thought I made it obvious of the type of person I was, and I thought maybe you would learn.

Thankyou.
But it isn't enough.

And I will say the genuine truth (I don't live by doing things half heartedly.... also I need to focus).

I HAVE THE BEST PARENTS IN THE WORLD!

2010-08-16T05:54:00.000-07:00

I love you Mum
I love you Dad

:)
xxx

2010-08-15T04:32:00.000-07:00

I know I can do this, preparation is just all I need- its as simple as that.
I'm not going to go and play it safe. I'm definetey not going to go down those paths and "settle".

Gunna be such a busy week..... 4.45am wakeup call woo!
And I'm not going to stress because I know I will catch up :) and the result in the end will be so rewarding.

I'm glad! Life is hardish and busy but amazing!

:)

2010-08-13T05:54:00.000-07:00

A little bit better.

Slowly getting my bounce back....I was just so overwhelmed about it all, I won't let my thoughts go back to that place again.

Your mind can play tricks on you.
If you let it to.
It turns the simple into complicated, and how ever many times you wish harder.
Just take a deep breath.
Remind yourself that you know your better than this.
Believe you decide how easy it is
- suck it up princess.

Your thoughts come true, so take control of them

MANIC REGRESSION

2010-08-10T23:51:00.000-07:00

Wow.
Okay so the last couple of days have been fucking intense. I don't think I've ever been so low.... hopefully after this blog and some hard work tonight this "episode" will be over!!!!
Gah I just want to scream and punch something!
It feels like I've held my breath for so long, and supressed everything and now I'm gasping for air.

The past four days I've been running around- shooting for "After the Formal" in Essendon, going straight to rehearsals for "Why me?" in the city and homework on the train and in between. Catching the train is so fucking draining and I guess its the stress of being behind (not having as much time to do homework, missing out on classes) as well as knowing that I'll be missing on more classes - combined with just being so tired is/has gotten to me.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I know blah blah I'm only human this is completely normal, but I hate it- usually I'm okay under pressure, I focus on getting the work done rather than complaining about not having done it. But I guess I was meant to have a "vce breakdown" sometime or rather?

Its also from talking to three 24 year olds on set.... struggling actors.
Right now....I can't say like other people "I don't care if I'm working odd jobs here and there and am living like a hobo on the beach- if I'm doing what I love I'll be happy". Because I do care. And I do care about what people think of me, and the idea of getting to that point where all my friends have established careers and me... not necessarily.
I mean I need to keep telling myself I do prefer this situation as a result of trying my absolute bloody hardest for ten years or so as opposed to living "comfortably and earning money" as a result of not fully trying, getting some degree and some job that doesn't mean anything to me and living with regret.

The thing is I'm scared of failure, of turning out like those people who I met.... and I guess the whole notion of applying to unis/drama schools/courses right about now just adds to this whole commotion. I know what I want its just a means of getting there, and having to make that choice soon (that will influence my future) that is driving me nuts. And right now I'm trying to draw the line between what is "practical/realistic" and what is "setting myself up, expecting failure".

All of this shit going through my head, other people complaining and stressing to me about nothing (not having enough time, and being "tired" , sheeeeshh) , as well as mum being frustrating has gotten me impatient and pessimistic... I even called myself "depressed" today.

But no! I need to fucking shutup! Because if I keep telling myself something I will start believing it. You know what I am fine! And I do have time. And I know I will get things done because there is no other choice. I have a great and priviliged life. I need to stop being melodramatic, stop complaining, use and focus on what is right in front of me and start to work!!! Use this agitated energy and translate it to typing my english sac sheet due tomorrow.

I feel like once again I need to sort of sacrifice. I need to just let go.... of what other people think including my parents. I need to genuinely believe, like other people who do - that one thing that I right now I don't have- what I envy. I do believe for some things.... its the other equally important biggish things I kind of "fake it".

Sorry for being tense... (I can tell in a couple of days time I'll read this and cringe)
but thats how it is at the moment.

There you go world. Not the invincible person some of you think I am. I can't always be the strong one listening to your problems and consoling you. Give me a break, I have insecurities as well.

2010-08-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

(A background photo from Cole's phone)
Weird ey?
Take a moment, breathe and tell yourself this.
It's not quite a lie, but it feels almost impossible.
Scary I guess to think it is possible.

Stop bloody dwelling on your doubts and how bad you want it, get off yoo ass stop talking and just do it!
Gah its so easy to say.

I think we may be serious.

2010-08-05T03:31:00.000-07:00

I need to start practising now!

2010-08-04T05:53:00.000-07:00

This is the grey area. Around about the time to decide if we want in seriously or out....

"After the formal" was great fun! Met the coolest chick Cole :)
Also "timeline" exhibition at the ngv is awesomee. It makes me want to explore so many more other aspects within my studio theme Age and invest in a pro camera. Oh, oh.....um Christmas list anyone? That and moolah, a massage and overseas paradise vouchers?

Sleep is sahweet.

2010-08-03T05:32:00.001-07:00

So I guess I kind of died on Sunday.... but im back again!

Got mid results back, ah hard work sure does pay off :)

I needed this bad. Hopefully itll all be enough in the end.

Rehearsals for "Why me?" are going great, soo pumped for filming next week woo! "After the formal" starts tomorrow also, which should be interesting.

Starting to understand you more... Initially what you said didn't altar my perception of you and no it wasn't because I was in denial or tried to block it out, I just couldn't see anything. But now I'm starting to see that it may be the answer to a lot of things. I don't think this is just a predisposition because its only now that I'm realising, there's been enough time to think and get closer.

Hmm is the fact that I'm having these doubts every now and then a sign for change, or just a manifestation of my overthinkingness/ inevitable insecurities? Probs both. I'm gunna let this sit in the water for a while and decide what side is clearer after a couple of weeks. Here's some time to surprise me.

2010-08-01T01:04:00.001-07:00

so bloody tired

2010-07-30T04:06:00.000-07:00

It's times like these where I can foresee me walking on a fine line and being vulnerable to tripping over the cracks of pressure.

So I have had to make several choices this past week. And these choices I guess have steered me into direction. Although it was hard, and being the indecisive and doubtful overthinker it took a while and a lot of question asking for me to choose possibility over playing it safe.

Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly sacrificing... like its necessary to prove how bad I want it. Gah there are times when I wish it was just a little bit more easier. But this weekend I'm choosing a night off- I mean I'm only human and I deserve a break.

So yet again continuing too see people differently, and young.

Hmmm everyone should go and see "Inception" it is fan fricken tastic! My favourite movie of all time. I need to see it again though to fully understand it, but wow its so smart.

The idea of going to uni, graduating, travelling for a few years, then getting a job, then getting married and settling down to have a family in my 30s just grosses me out. I guess its a combination of having to shape my own life around someone elses' as selfish as that sounds, the predictability and I guess the lack of excitement of it all.

I mean this is totally subjective, I guess I say this from the standing point of this is everything I don't want- when this could be everything that someone else wants. However it is the people who don't know what they want or do but continue to live their lives according to what they think is right, who are under the impression of "this is reality" that I'm talking about. I just don't want to be one of those people who I see on the train everyday who look so drained, one of those people who are merely existing from day to day "working to make a living", one of those people who makes themselves do something they hate- who don't understand that they shape their own life. No excuses.

Anyway I don't know why but lately I've been getting a lot of these hot flushes. I'm not dehydrated (I don't think) and I don't think I'm embarassed....

Just skyped to my beautiful older sister Michelle! Gosh I love her so much! She for sure is one strong person with such a good heart, who I know will live her life for herself and noone else. I can talk to like it was only yesterday when we saw eachother.
Seriously I can't even imagine, Seventeen and living in Europe. Remember that time when we were sixteen on the beach half in the water talking about our future?
Can't wait till we're both eighteen and on some island having a "who's blacker!" competition (that I possibly was a little to enthusiastic about last summer. )

I actually do love being a busy-bee.
Sleep time
x

2010-07-28T04:59:00.000-07:00

Its official, not going on schoolies.
And I'm kinda happy :)

A sacrifice, and some proof of dedication to my goals. I guess I truthfully wasn't too revved up about schoolies(spending that much moneh just for interstate, being underage during club week, my best friend not there, being proudly taken and everyone else being single with different motives etc, were just a few problemas about it), and turns out a lot of people actually aren't going on schoolies anyway so it's not like I'm missing out on this massive right of passage.
Anyway this means I will have more focus time for auditions, and a whole lotta $$$ left! This I can use for acting stuff, holiday partying, clothes and to save for the courses/uni etc.

Had the best Bikram yoga sesh with Phil tonight. And got some good words for my work at parent teacher interveiws- the last ones forever!

Life is bliss, and can't wait till 13th december
xx

Let's get lost

2010-07-24T07:13:00.000-07:00

Everything in fast forward and full of life. Feeling invincible and unable to control. No inhibitions, sprinting your heart out through a snowy forest on a mountain. A deep sharp breath of crisp air, face pale and cold, rosy nose and cheeks, warm sweat, hair whipping your face. Panting at the top of the world, and gazing at the other gigantic mountains and cliffs and the overwhelming largeness of it all. Screaming with passion and laughing wildy in a conversation with your echo. Squinting eyes, flung out arms and head back as you look up at the blue/grey sky with intense clouds rapidly circling you- driving your head insane . Liberation through a dive into a perfect, crystal clear secluded lagoon under moonlight. Making out in a morning sun lit meadow.

"My love" Sia , "Let's get lost" Beck and Bat for Lashes
Eclipse soundtrack- now, thats what the book is about.

and on a more mainstream note really diggin "Pyramid" by Charice (who mum typically actually showed me a vid of years ago cos shes filo)

shitty

2010-07-23T19:51:00.001-07:00

Okay so i properly cheked the audition dates for courses for next year and they all are in latish November - Early December.

So....
-Bachelor of Ats (acting) at Ballarat auditions are 2 days before schoolies, and during schoolies.
-The NIDA- Part time "The Actor" (melbourne)full year course audition is on the sunday 28th november aka 2nd day of schoolies
-Bachelor of Creative Arts (drama) at Deakin begins during schoolies (8 more days left to audition after schoolies)
-NIDA Young Actors Studio- Part time (melbourne) full year course audition is 5th december aka- day after getting back from schoolies

Not to mention that VCA, WAAPA, NIDA, Ballarat all require at least one monologue learned from their booklet during the audition. So..... not only can I not make the NIDA "The Actor" audition, but I won't have the time to fully rehearse and prepare my very best etc. Schoolies will be a effn major distraction.

My ideal for next year is to
-Either get a full time course at drama school or/
-Bachelor of Performing Arts at Monash (clayton) and "The Actor"/"Young Actors Studio" part time course (melbourne southbank)

hmmmmmm

I'm fine with missing out on schoolies. To be honest the idea of getting absolutely wasted and blowing a grand in one week interstate doesn't completely appeal to me and never really did initially. Plus Steph won't be there..... I wonder if it is possible to refund booked plane tickets?/ Or get credits? As for the $120 deposit of accomodation I'm not too sure about that.

sdfsdufhsdufhwsoifh!!

At least I found this all out now not later. But yeah I would put my career over a week of getting pissed any day, and I would love to use that money on a course or overseas .....

Hence my optios are:

Go to schoolies-
-Miss "The Actor" course audition. Go to "Young Actors Studio" Audition 2pm, 5th dec and if that completely sucked audition again 30 Jan
= Performing Arts at Monash and Young Actors Studio course/ Weekly Scene classes at 16th street or Part Time Program 16th street (Sunday 9am - 5.00pm & Wednesday 6.30pm - 9.30pm need to check what timetable is like for Monash)

Not go to schoolies-
-Audition for "The Actor" course. Fully focus on "Young Actors Studio" course audition, and audition for Ballarat/Deakin uni courses straight away. Use money saved for schoolies to go overseas instead.

Hmmmmmmm
?

Will have to address this with the parentals.

I want this more than life

2010-07-22T05:09:00.000-07:00

Also, I'm craving a good hug, you and your smell...

I have no idea why, but my throat feels like razor blades
and my voice is as husky as hell.

2010-07-21T00:41:00.000-07:00

I don't like the idea of being friends with a "group" . I'm friends with individuals.

I'm starting to see some people as being really young.

I guess there was always something there that didn't quite click.
After these past couple of months and being exposed to a whole variety of different people I have inevitably been spending less time with others.

And as horrible as it may sound but as honest as I can put it - the less time with some people, doesn't bother me. Sometimes I feel like by spending time with them I am forcing it, living a lie.
Some people are trying to hold onto what was there, maybe because they think it is all they have. Sometimes you have to let go and just do what you want, don't let nostaligia get in the way from living your life truthfully.

It's just that my values, aspirations, perspective... willingness to do what people expect/live between the lines- has really changed in the past six months. Six months ago if I was in the same situation I maybe would've missed them and would've tried harder.

Nevertheless these people are beautiful people.

Hmmmm....

I should get to some work...

2010-07-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

I'm sleep deprived (need to catch up on six hours). But I'm not tired at all, my mind is racing with all of these things to think about.

So things are going fabulous, and then bam something so unfair and impossible happens and suddenly you go from this feeling of ecstacy to swimming in the dark. This is the uneasy and slightly scary part of it, but I guess it is when your questions are answered as that now that beautiful warm light (sometimes blinding) is gone, we are forced to face our thoughts and make sense of the truth.

I got cast in VCA 3rd year short "After the Formal", which I'm stoked about because it tops my 2010 goal from the start of the year- being in three short films! :D (That being "Pergatory", "Why me?" and this one). Hopefully this doesn't deter me from acheiving my other 2010 goals (like top acts, and 90 Enter).

Checked out that NIDA in melbourne offer a 1 year program (entry by audition) that runs every sunday for four terms- 2011 possibility whilst doing something else. Also they run short summer courses on tour for about a week (This year it was 4th Jan- 10th Jan)... need to keep my eye on this, my eyes peeled for other options and start saving like crazy!

Also after hours of working on the psych ER and stressing over it, it has been decided that there was a mistake on the experiment conducted so that the ER isn't due till about a months time! I guess I feel relieved (as I hadn't completely finished it), but at the same time annoyed from the unnecessary stress.... and now I just want to get it over and done with.

Mixed feelings and major chagrin...

I'm pretty grateful though, it's times like these where I really see who my best people are and who will be there when its awkward, I love them. :)

2010-07-16T04:27:00.000-07:00

Still not sick of the song "fact-fiction", I lurvveeee the end of it.

My life is seriously perfect. There's always things that could be better but right now in pretty much every aspect of my life (school/performing/health/loved ones) its going great :).

Although I do need to stop procrastinating doing the Psych ER *aggressive sigh.

What a fantastic week its been, having a friday night off and going to bed!

Tomorrow's day plan:
-Wake up at 7.30, start homework at 8 (ER report)
-10- start getting ready and leave at 10.35 to make 10.47 train (go over lines, sketch on tree wood)
-12 "Why me" short film screen test at VCA
-Get home and focus to finish ER report *priority and start burning sketch on wood
-Night-see me favourite people

Tu es tre belle ♥

I choose passion/genuinity over muscles

2010-07-15T05:53:00.000-07:00

From talking to a friend, it really did surprise me that she was so surprised about my feeling towards wealth. It's not that I don't value money, it is just that it is honestly the last thing that is on my mind when I meet a person and I always thought this was a pretty normal mentality, with a few exceptions. I guess this is because of the filo indoctrination by my mum, and things like the content of a person's character and our conversation is what preoccupies my mind- the label of someone's tshirt just seems trivial and grade six (although wealthiness isn't necessarily manifest like this).
I suppose I will find wealthiness matters, when the person has worked for it.

Just ordered in two bios of Hedda Hopper off Amazon for my drama solo. Also got cast today for a 'bit-part' for channel 7 tv show Rush which is exciting as I will get to be on set.

I have the best people around me, I love them :)

Lately I've been craving excercise. I've neglected being fit for so long and I want someone to come with me to Bikram yoga so I don't have to make my way to Elsternwick in the dark on my own!

I'm so lucky. But I work hard, and who am I not to deserve it?

I wish you could look me in the eyes.

2010-07-13T05:54:00.000-07:00

So here is the link to my fav song that I raved about two blogs ago.

Also returning back to some good old John Mayer.

I'm questioning and doubting less, but I'm letting things ponder ...

Hmm I need to check out if there are any summer acting courses on, and if not I plan to travel and make most of the break- I really don't want to bumm around doing nothing. Either way I need to save shyza... Oh this summer I can't even imagine no homework no nothing.....

the most amazing summer ever.

Had the best sleep lastnight, got some recognition, some news and a good day of hard work.

My life is pretty fab :)
x

2010-07-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

Returning back to my good friend music makes me realise how much meaning matters to me.
Your words I value way more than your exterior.
So far you haven't said the right words. I want someone with the right words who will say it to my face genuinely.

If you don't know this by now about me, you don't know me at all.

2010-07-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

"Samson and Delilah" Max Liebermann. So went to the European Masters Exhibition at the NGV international the otherday with Steph, and the Degenerate art section and this painting were my favourites. It isn't the classical aesthetic that I love about this composition but the subject matter- Delilah triumphantly holding up strands cut off of Samson's hair (his source of godly strength) that she cut off during his sleep- A FEMME FATALE: an enchantress who uses her beauty dangerously for power- no not a vamp, but a woman who like Delilah (in a time of female oppression) can defeat the strongest man alive, a woman to be fearful of.

Upon seeing this painting it trigged a memory of Regina Specktors "Samson" that I had always sang along to, and always wondered what it was about- now I know it is the biblical story of Samson and Delilah. Hence I've been listening to it on repeat, its such a raw and passionate song- I love it!

Also checked out Tim Burton's exhibition at ACMI. Defs recommend it. So his stuff isn't usually my cup of tea ( a little bit too dark for my liking at times)- but fudge HIS ORIGINALITY is amazing. Funny, intelligent and unique artist - had a little chuckle upon seeing this,
Teenager "an awkward stage of life" - haha so true!

So I also skped to my beautiful sister Michelle in Denmark the other night! Her life is amazing-seventeen and living in Europe wow. Once again another person who is living their own life, a proactive person with a passion. Can't wait to give her a massive hug when she comes back (scary to think where we will all be then). Thankyou sooo much sis for introducing me to Mads Langer, "Fact-Fiction" is officially my favourite song. The live performance cuts deep....it makes me feel alive.

Got cast in a shortfilm today called "Why Me" directed by Victoria Stanford. It should be good, filming is in late August.... I'm a little bit worried as my finals for Studio and my drama solo would be due in 2 weeks after that..... Hmm once again this year could really make or break me I just have to remember to "breathe".

Craving some real- life rawness and passion like Lagner and for Spektor's Samson & Delilah . Maybe I'm a romanticist and in today's age that only exists in Denmark...

Drive-ins are great, everyone should do it.
x

possibilities

2010-07-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

2011

-Bachelor of Dramatic Art at Victorian College of Arts (Part of Melbourne Uni faculty, 3 years)
-Bachelor of Dramatic Art at NIDA (Sydney, 3 years)
-Bachelor of Performing Arts at Monash University (3 years)
-Advanced Diploma of Performing Arts (acting) at Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts (3 years)
-Bachelor of Performing Arts (acting) at Arts Academy Ballarat University (3 years)
-The Full Time Program at Sixteenth Street (July 2011- June 2012)
-The Part Time Program at Sixteenth Street (Feb 2011- Dec 2011)

?

How fricken exciting. Audition for everything!

2010-07-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

So in slight contradiction to the optimistic sense prevalent in my first blog- I don't think I've ever procrastinated this much in my entire life. No joke, I keep managing to return to hours of facebook and "organising" to avoid homework. Meh, it is holidays and I need a chance to enjoy "normality" for a while. Today was such a beautiful day! Its a pity I woke up late around midday and didn't get to see the first half of it. I spent it with the lovely Kate and Nic at mainstreet, and then back at mine to dye my hair! Acting on impulse, and feeling the desire of a change... but I don't think many people will notice the difference.
So I guess now that I suddenly have all this time on my hands, I've entered into a relatively vulnerable mentality- I'm questioning people, and all thoughts/ideas that I had suppressed and deemed as trivial, are now surfacing....

Anyway I am going to get a start on some homework and make this arvo/evening productive to compensate for my laziness the past few days. The first step is always the hardest but once I do it, it will get easier.

Shape your life
x

Hello

2010-07-04T06:52:00.000-07:00

Okay so lets see how long this blog lasts... hello cyber world... whoever reads this. I guess I'm doing this to vent my thoughts and to "let things out". First of all tonight I had my last show for a play that I was in called "Blood" by Sergi Belbel and directed by Scott Gooding. A really great worthwile experience, I'm so privileged to have worked with such talented people. People who I haven't been really surrounded with in the past, who in comparison to the people I am usually associated with- don't live between the lines. To be faced with people who live and breathe their own choices despite soceity's norms and expectations. Proactive people with passion. People who are a part of a world that I was aware of and scared of....a world that I had perceived as a separate culture and couldn't comprehend belonging to, and now I realise could become as "normal" and "common" as my other world. To say the least this experience has given me insight, to what I could be 5 or 10 years time.

This past month and half has been a major learning curve for me. I know for sure that I am a stronger and different person than to what I was in May. First of all exam time was intense and I proved to myself thatI do have the capabillity to say no, to commit and to work hard. Furthermore the notion of juggling the play on the side at night and school/ studying for exams during the day was bloody tough. I would be lying if I didn't say I didn't struggle, my social life definetely was put to a halt for a few weeks.
Ultimately these weeks were all about proving myself, to myself. Knowing that I have the will power to sacrifice and to try my best. The play was like being thrown into the deep end- in the sense of a first time experience of paid stage work, biggest job I've had in the industry and socially-not knowing anyone, working with people who are more experienced than me, being "the child" amongst a group of "adults". Fudge it was an intimidating experience, and if there's one thing I hate feeling- its naive.
Even just realising at one night during rehearsals- woa its 10pm tuesday on a school night and I am standing here by myself in North Melbourne, random- was kinda a big thing. One thing's for sure I gained major skills in public transport taking :P.
Call me bipolar- I've experienced all types of extremities of emotion these past six weeks. I have grown by learning so much and getting advice that will stay with me forever. About people, possible futures, the art of theatre ("we aren't acting, we're telling a story" Janine Watson, "believe in it, the words- trust the text"), and myself. I definetely look at the people who I am usually surrounded with differently and have a better idea of what the hell I will be doing next year.... just over half way of the scary/exciting year that we all talked about when we were a little younger.... fingers crossed I'll stay as strong for the second half.

just preparing for life

that is all for now x